Generation gap…
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My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point