When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
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I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Monday
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters