I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
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Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.