Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
You Might Also Like
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Stop it! 😂
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
I have no passwords left in me
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.