It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
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You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
are they though??
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.