Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
You Might Also Like
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
This kid will have a bright future.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.