“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
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When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
secret recipe
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.