Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
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I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash