HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
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How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*