Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
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if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce