the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
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me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial