I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
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I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal