Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
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Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.