“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
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You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
That 👊
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.