Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
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I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.