My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
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Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Shortcut
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
When I snag the last meatball.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!