I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
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don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Somebody call the cops.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?