Pot warmers of the day.
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[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
real
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners