HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
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BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Education is vital
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.