What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
absolute chaos
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Mood.. 😂
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down