Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
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Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent