My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
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i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.