i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
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Everyone is awful in their own special way.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*