ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
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babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
I’m too immature for adultery.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
This is my cat’s medicine.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
choose your fighter
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”