Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
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*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.