Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
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To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
“Huge”.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.