Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
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Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Legend 🤣🤣
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?