I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
You Might Also Like
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
*pokes sex life with a stick
A French press is when you hug naked
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.