“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
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Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
When news reporters do sports stories
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again