I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
You Might Also Like
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.