*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
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when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?