There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
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The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
#parenting
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?