Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
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First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Challenge accepted.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.