Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
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What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*