My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
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ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.