Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
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Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Owl Sanctuary
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
thinking about a very short hotdog
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.