When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
You Might Also Like
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Britain be like
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope