In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
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[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.