Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
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ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.