At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
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At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Made something I’m not proud of
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.