My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
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I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
🛁
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right