It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
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wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
A fake ID that makes you younger
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
asking santa clause for nudes