if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
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If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!