My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
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Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Put the is in disheveled
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
that’s really how it is
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised