Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
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The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.