[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
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Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.