Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
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[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
We’re all getting idioter.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials