I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
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My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.