[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
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PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Hitlers gonna hitl
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
adam and eve had first world problems
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it