Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
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The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no